How to Make, Keep and Let Go of Friends

Friendship is one of the most beautiful things we can experience in life. Learning how to make, keep and let go of friends is extremely important when navigating an ever-changing world.

How to Make Friends

Making friends can sometimes be very difficult. Especially if you are extremely busy, are constantly moving about or are shy and do not know how to initiate interactions with others. Here are some tips you can use to take that first step towards making a great friend!

• Be friendly: This sounds obvious, but I know I have been guilty of not being friendly towards others and then wondering why nobody would approach me. If you want a friend, it is your responsibility to go up to people and start an interaction. If you wait around, looking at your phone or distracting yourself, you make yourself look busy and occupied, and most people do not disturb others who look busy and occupied as they assume that the other person wants to be left alone.

• Notice details: Look out for the small details in someone's life. For example, observe what their routines are like, what their favourite food and drink is, what they listen to most often and what makes them laugh. Then act upon these things to let them know that you care about them and are interested in every little detail about them.

  
  

• Spend quality time together: To strengthen a relationship, quality time spent together is of extreme importance. The key word here is 'quality'. It is not just enough to spend time with another person; both parties have to be enjoying themselves and feel like they are cared for, heard and loved. (For example, you may spend all day with an annoying colleague, but the time you spent with them doesn't make you closer. Whereas on the other hand, you may only spend an hour a day talking to someone at your tennis club, but you get much closer to them even though you spend less time with them.)

  
  

• Be a good listener: Being a good listener does not mean you are just passively listening to someone speak. It means you are actively engaged in what they have to say, are asking questions, reacting to their stories and remembering key details to reminisce at a later time. People love it when others take the time to listen and understand them, as that makes us feel heard and loved.

  
  

• Share your life: Although it is important to listen to others, it is also important to share your life as well. To cultivate a deep relationship, you need to gradually share more and more details of your life. Start by sharing things you like and dislike, your hobbies and passions. Then, as you trust the other person more, share your dreams and struggles, the things you have learnt and the journey of your life so far. Keeping in touch with others and sharing your daily struggles and achievements makes them know that you trust them and want them to be a part of your life's journey.

Your Turn!

• Choose one of the tips above and put them into practice. After trying the suggestion, reflect on how things went. Did you get a positive response? If so, congratulations! Keep at it and soon you'll have a new friend! If not, what went wrong? Could you have done something differently? Was the timing, topic of conversation, or your body language that was not quite right? Or was it something else entirely which you can't do anything about?

How to Keep Friends

Once you have made a friend, it is also important to know how to maintain that friendship. Just like you have to water a flower daily for it to grow well, you need to regularly put energy into developing the relationships you already have.

• Spend time together: Now that you have a friend, spend time with them! Have fun doing things together, sharing stories and making memories. Don't let work or studies use up all of your energy so that you have none left to give others. Spending time with friends is not only beneficial to you, but also to your friend as it is a way you can show them support and help them live a better life, which is always something worthwhile to do.

  
  

• Be one step ahead: As you get to know someone better and better, you will be able to notice when they are happy, when they are sad and when they are struggling without them ever needing to ask for help. This is when you can be one step ahead by actively reaching out to your friends when you know they need you even though they have not asked you directly. For example, you could treat your friend to a drink if you notice that they are looking a bit down, or you could give them a small gift to cheer them up. You can also keep an eye out for an opportunity that they might like, and encourage them to try something new or improve a skill that you know will benefit them even though they may be hesitant, or never have thought to try it out. Having friends that expand your horizons and bring new ideas and experiences into your life to make you a better person is a real gift that everyone should have!

  
  

• Share stories: Sharing stories is not just important for making friends, but also for keeping them. Some of the best stories come from exchanging information about a shared experience or a mutual social group, but any story you can use to connect with someone is what really matters.

  
  

• Add spark: This may not entirely be necessary to maintain a friendship, but it sure will make it more fun! If you have known someone for a long time, it may become easier to fall into a routine of doing the same things over and over. You may even start to take them for granted. However, friends should never be taken for granted, and doing something out of the ordinary can help you to reflect, pause and savour the friendship that you have.

Your Turn!

• Think of an activity you can do with your friends, or an action you can do for your friends. Let them know that you appreciate them and are there for them always.

  
  

How to Let Go of Friends (When Necessary)

As hard as it can be, sometimes we have to let go of a friend that we hold dear. Perhaps you change location, job or school. Perhaps you just change as a person and naturally drift apart. Or maybe you really wanted to stay friends with someone but they for whatever reason no longer want to be friends with you. In these scenarios, it is important to forgive, remember and keep your heart open, even though it may be broken and scarred.

• Forgive: Especially in the case where someone no longer wants to be friends with you even though you still want to be friends with them, it is important to forgive that person for the hurt that they caused you so that you are not weighed down with bitterness for the rest of your life. This may take time, and that is ok, but it is never good for you to hold on to hurt.

  
  

• Treasure memories: Rather than remaining sad that your friendship didn't last, you can choose to treasure all of the happy memories that you have stored up in your mind. Even though you may not have them in person with you anymore, you can always remember the things about them that you loved and admired, and try to live out their good characteristics in their memory and honour. Be thankful for the things they did for you, and the time you spent together and treasure those memories without distorting them with the pain of losing that person.

  
  

• Don't harden your heart: This is another challenging yet important skill to learn. Just because someone may have hurt you, abandoned you or betrayed you doesn't mean to say that all other people you meet will be like that. It is easy to shut down after rejection, to think that you cannot trust anyone, or that it is pointless trying to make another friend because you will only be hurt again, but the truth is that it is more painful to be alone than to love and then lose. I have been there, many have been there, and the truth is that we all have to learn how to love, lose and move on.

  
  

  Sometimes, it can be helpful to above tips, to forgive and to treasure memories, as a way of lessening the pain so that it becomes manageable to keep your heart open. If you hold on to your pain and learn to distrust others, it will only make things even harder for you as that is when you start to think that it is better to be alone, not because it is, but because you have not learnt how to get over your pain so dealing with the things you need to to enrich your life again become too hard for you to attain.

Conclusion

True friends are a real gift that should always be treasured and never taken for granted. People who have deep, strong and fulfilling friendships are not only happier, but also healthier and live longer than those who do not take the time to cultivate these relationships. Although it can be hard at times to make and maintain friendships, never give up trying to connect with others as you never know when you might find someone who you will share the rest of your life with!